This is going to be a metaphor heavy post so apologies in advance.

What I wanted to talk about was limiting yourself (forgive me if you’ve heard this all before but I think it’s worth repeating).

When I first seriously started writing for publication, there was only one publisher I considered. I wanted that publisher and no one else would do. No one else was going to be good enough. Over the years I got great feedback and encouragement but for various reasons I kept hitting brick walls. It was totally depressing and utterly demoralizing.  People kept telling me to write something else for a change but I didn’t listen. I wanted my special toy dammit! And besides, no one puts Jackie in the corner!

So there I was, steadily losing confidence in my abilities, my writing becoming narrower and narrower because I got more and more frightened that I was doing everything wrong. I was trying to write in a tiny box to please a particular publisher. Writing became something I hated, not something I loved. And yet still I wanted that publisher. I wanted their sweet, delicious oranges not bloody apples!

Luckily, before I totally lost what little confidence I had in my writing, the shouts of my CPs eventually got through my thick skull. WRITE SOMETHING ELSE JACKIE.

So I did – mainly becaue I didn’t have anything else to lose at this point. And the process was fantastic. When I’d finished I knew it wasn’t going to get me oranges but by that stage, I’d decided that I needed to listen to the people that had told me to branch out. I tried the apple tree next door and whaddya know? Those apples are crunchy and delicious and I love them as much – maybe more – than I loved oranges.

The process of writing that book and having it accepted did amazing things for my confidence. I sold another book – the peach tree next to the apple is incredible – and then more. The orange tree – which had dominated my orchard up to this point – began to shrink and I could see that there were so many more trees out there. So many more opportunities.

And that’s really what I’m trying to say. There’s nothing wrong with concentrating on one publisher but keep in mind that only liking oranges limits you, both as an aspiring author and as a published author. The publishing world is changing fast and it’s exciting but I really think it’s just good business sense to include a few apples and peaches in your basket.

Concntrating entirely on only one house also means you’re writing to please just one set of people. But they’re not the only editors out there. Just because you can’t seem to write something that grabs them doesn’t mean that ALL the editors in the entire world will hate what you write.

I’m not saying you should give up oranges entirely. I’m saying that while you’re reaching for that orange tree, keep in mind that there are plenty of other trees in the orchard. Working with one publisher might enable you to get a second. Because selling your book doesn’t mean you stop learning your craft and growing as a writer.  The past six months have been amazing for me in terms of bettering and challenging myself.  Hell, you might even find that you don’t like oranges at all,  that you’re an apple girl all the way.

Okay so I hope you didn’t get lost in all the orange/apple/peach/orchard metaphors. Basically don’t let one publisher become your be all and end all. Keep your options open. Keep writing what you love, not what you think editors want to see. Keep loving what you write and the rest will follow.

As for me, I’ve still got my eye on that orange tree. But it’s not the only tree in my particular orchard.

Well, okay apart from actually writing the synopses.

And the HUGE subbing fear that is currently lurking around in my brain.

Yep, easy all right.

I think this might be a good time to remind myself of the speech Jane Porter gave at the close of the Romance Writers of Australia conference. She was incredibly inspirational and what she said really struck home to me at the time. She spoke about how long it too her to get published and the ups and downs of the industry. Then she then went on to describe a little incident with her son about how he was learning how to play baseball and how his coach was talking to him as he prepared to hit the ball, how the coach was telling him he owned the ball, this one was his, this one had his name written all over it, he could do it. The kid struck out about three times but the coach was constantly telling him how he could do it. How he could hit this one out of the park. And on the third time he did it.

She mentioned this in the context of how wonderful it is to have support when you’re doing something hard, but I got something out of it that was a little different. Because it gelled with something else that someone had told me earlier on in the conference – that we are the experts in our stories. No one else knows our stories like we do. No one else knows our characters like we do.

And I thought to myself that yep, I’m that kid. I’m standing there with a bat in my hand. And that ball? That ball is my story and I’ve been afraid of it. Afraid I’ll get it wrong somehow, that my characters will be wrong, that my conflict will be wrong, that my plot will be wrong. And for the past year, I’ve been kind of taking punts at the balls that keep being thrown at me, but I’m so afraid of them, I don’t even try swinging. Because deep down, I’m not sure I can hit them.

I am not owning my stories. They are owning me.

Well, at the end of her speech, Jane spoke about not giving in to despair. That your journey is your own, it’s not anyone else’s. That all you’ve got is you – but that’s the biggest strength there is.

And I thought ‘yeah, she’s bloody right’. I need to stop giving in to despair. Stop being afraid of my own stupid stories. Stop letting them own me. Because I am the expert here, not them. I write them, they don’t write me. I own them. They’re mine. And the more I own them, the greater the chance will be that I’ll hit one of them out of the ballpark.

It may not be the ones I’ve just written. But one day, one of those stories will, literally, have my name written all over it.

So there, inspirational speech/pep talk/coach for the week. Just remind me of it when the time comes to hit send!

The problem is that I’ve learned heaps in the past six months. Especially the past three. Which means that the partial I sent three months ago is probably not the partial I would send now. Sigh. But hindsight is a wonderful thing. I ‘think’ the conflict is okay – certainly the character biographies I sent through were approved of – so that should help, but ultimately you never know until the editor gives you the magic yes. I still like my partial, I still think it was good. There are things I would change now but that’s just to do with pace. In spite of all of that, I may get the flat-out no. And in which case – here’s the important thing – I do have another manuscript ready to go. I’m not giving up until I get the ‘please do not submit to us again’ letter*.

No retreat, no surrender right?

*Note: There is no such letter (that I know of).

Seriously, one thing I’ll say for this partial is that it’s waaay better than the last one. At least, I think it is. And that’s mainly because I know my characters a lot better. Those character bios were a godsend and I can’t think why I didn’t do them earlier. Maybe one day I won’t need them but for now, until I get a handle on this conflict drama, I’ll do one for each new story. Before I start writing.

Right, so now I can kick back and relax on the beach holiday we’re going on tomorrow. For maybe five minutes. Will get web withdrawal I’m sure of it – which is why I’ll be visiting the local WIFI hotspot frequently. Am also taking my trusty laptop so I can rewrite the rest of Cat and Sean’s story in the hope they’ll want the rest of it. Nothing like starting 2010 with a bit of optimism!

Hope you all have a lovely week or two. Here’s to NTAI!

So what have I learned?

1. The conflict and thus the story plays out in the action and reaction of the characters.
2. The conflict happens in the present.
3. Internal conflict need not be based on tragedy.
4. Internal conflict can be simple.
5. That action is not talking. Talking is talking.
6. That rewriting one’s synopsis completely six times can be a good thing.
7. That one can have too many dinners in one’s synopsis.
8. That chocolate is a vital ingredient to synopsis writing.
9. That banging one’s head on the table after version 4 hurts.
10. That you still feel sick when you press send no matter how many times you have subbed.

Right, so now all I need to do is write the thing! And thanks to Janette, I have a title: The Art of Attraction. Not a millionaire or a defiant mistress in sight.

Now, on with the NTAI.

So it’s back to the drawing board. Somehow I’ve now managed to overboard with internal conflict and have to bring it back to the middle ground. Hard? You betcha. But I have been slowly learning even more. Especially about the dangers of too much sex in Modern Heat! Is that even possible? Oh yeah! I tried to do a one night stand story but even as I was writing it, I found myself inventing ways to get my heroine to go through with it. And that should have been my first indication that all was not right in the world of my characters. Again I was trying to make my heroine do something she actually wouldn’t by adding all this stuff to make her to do it! Argh! In the end it wasn’t convincing and to add insult to injury, the driving force behind the one night stand was only sexual tension. There was not enough conflict! Apparently the sex arises from the emotional conflict, NOT the other way round!

So many things to keep in mind. But this time I am going to make sure I get it right. I am not going to panic-sub. I am going to spend time really thinking through my new synopsis. And hey, I’m already doing better with that on the sex front – so busy working out the emotional conflict between my h&h, that I forgot to put in a love scene!

The other thing I’m having doubts about is my timeline. Maybe it’s just me, but does anyone else think that two weeks is an awfully short time to fall in love? Or is it just the nature of the genre and two weeks is fine and I’m being overly picky?
I don’t know. Until I get over these stumbling blocks, I’m not sure I can finish the WIP. Might just wait until I hear back about whether the story is a goer or not.

Anyway, in the meantime, I have gone back to rewriting my Feel the Heat entry. It’s so much better now I’ve got the conflict sorted! Since the editorial assistant asked me about it, I think I might submit that one next should the other one not succeed.

Ah conflict, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways….

But now I’m starting over and I’m wondering if I can do it again. Published authors must get this when it’s time to submit that second book and you have to prove that the first one was more than a fluke. Obviously I’m not at that stage yet but the full-with-revisions is a pretty high benchmark to have to repeat. What if I can’t? What if they don’t like the story? I think it’s better than my rejected manuscript – I’ve learned so much since then – but what if I’ve missed something vital?

Well, as Michelle S told me, the only thing I can control is the writing. I have to trust that it’s a good story and hope that they’ll want to see the rest of it. So I shall, which is why I’m continuing with writing the rest of it. And if it isn’t then ONE of my stories will get there. I’m damn well going to make certain of it.

I’d just like to say a big thanks at this point to all the lovely people who visit my sorry blog, and to all the other lovely people on the eHarlequin and Mills and Boon forums who have wished me luck. You guys are the best. Determination gets you a long way in this business but it certainly helps having other people being determined with you. So, thanks.

Anyway, I have had confirmation that my partial was received so it’s on with the waiting. And the NTAI.

PS. Did you know that the guidelines for Mills and Boon have been updated? Here they are here.

Haven’t heard whether Anna received it or not. I hope she lets me know since the last time I did this, she didn’t actually get it! Oh well, will follow up on Friday if I don’t hear.

So now it’s time to NTAI and rewrite the rest of the manuscript!

So now all I have to do is choose the two strongest. Not so yay because which one do I go for? One of them the conflict is still niggling at me so probably not that. It’s another classic case of me having a set-up without really thinking through the internal conflict. However, the other three are all potentials. They are all very simple stories in that that there is no immediate, gimmicky set-up. The emphasis is entirely on the internal conflict. I’ve also steered clear of the stereotype trap I fell into with the previous stories in that they’re fully rounded characters and not just a bunch of character quirks. At least, I hope I have.

But you know, it’s funny. I was running through one of the stories with my husband last night and he said ‘wow, you really problems with your heroines don’t you?’. And I thought no I don’t! Surely not. But he’s right. My heroes conflicts are all clear cut, I find them simple to write. But my heroines always seem to take me ages to figure out. I wondered if it was because men just aren’t that complicated – at least, that’s what I told my husband – but actually, I think it’s because my heroes are more important to me. I love writing them. And my heroines tend to suffer because they’re just a foil for my amazing guy. Which was why my manuscript was rejected. The second half of the book was great, Anna told me, because it was all about my hero. The first half was about my heroine and just didn’t work.

So, the next submission will have to concentrate on getting my heroine right. Argh! Choices, choices…